He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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