i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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