Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
