____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Drake has all the answers
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
