So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
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