Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
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