She went from zero to smokin in five shots
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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