I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
