we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
