1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
