I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
he thought i was a dude.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Terrible idea I love it
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
