It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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