My girlfriend figured out who you are.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
