Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
