So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
This toilet bowl is my home.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
