Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
