A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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