I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize