just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
