I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
he told me I talked like a deaf person
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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