I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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