My hair reeks of homosexuality.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
