today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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