Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
