You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
There are leaves in my underwear?
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