this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
