i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
