i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
