woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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