They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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