They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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