if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Randomize
