i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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