i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
