so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
