So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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