she was so not down for the gang bang
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize