I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
