"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
