12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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