I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
