That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize