Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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