let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
