Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Randomize
