I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
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