If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Randomize
