I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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