Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
