I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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