Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Randomize