bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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