Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
