tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
